It’s a saying that is said quite often…
Listen to your gut!
But it is something we rarely do. Especially in a westernised world. I feel like there are too many opinions and judgements that churn themselves around our minds in this world that makes us question ourselves continually.
Am I good enough?
Can I do it?
Is it ok?
Should I do it?
It’s just an endless list of questions in our minds that forces us to question our every desire and want and need. We are all different and what works for one will not work for another. Something you might think is scary may not be so to someone else. I think we need to learn to be less opinionated and not pass judgment on others for their decisions in life. If it doesn’t concern you, just be supportive, or stay shtum.
I genuinely had a major breakdown yesterday where I felt lower than I had in a long time, and I have had some pretty dark days as a single Mum (motherhood is amazing and joyous but it’s blooming hard work!) I felt like there was no point in anything. I felt useless and unloved. I felt like the worst mother around. I thought and felt way too many things for one brain to handle and it led to a very broken soul.
There was no epiphany that made me OK today. I didn’t wake up as bright as sunshine but throughout the day I felt more at peace by focusing not on myself but on my son. He helped me to focus my mind and just forget everything that was going on inside it. Nothing has particularly been resolved but I decided to just go with the moment today and mainly to listen to my gut.
For so long I have been trying to conform to what I think I must do and thinking of everyone else but myself and my son. Worrying about choices I am making, or thinking to make.
I lived a very controlled and difficult childhood which means that I struggle to make decisions. I ask every single person what they think I should do or what they would do. Instead of just doing what I want to do. I go around asking so many people their opinion until I hear one that I want but in that process I am hearing all the negativity from people who have a different thought process to me . You could say it is my fault for asking and I suppose rightly so but I think there is a good way of giving someone an opinion and a bad.
What I realised today though was that I need to get to a place where I don’t need to ask someone’s opinion. I used to have such strength in my own wants. Some called it stubborn, actually many did 🙂 I need to find myself again from the broken pieces that I have become. I was strong enough to decide what I wanted and go for it and I need to get back to that place.
It hit me today, a memory of a time when I listened to no one but myself. My own gut and I was very right to do so.
Turn back time to four years ago, my arm had been broken and I was alone, walking through the streets in absolute agony. My arm had been battered about by different doctors but ultimately left broken and as I walked the tiniest steps I could manage as each movement sent bolts of excruciating pain through my entire body, I was helped by strangers. Flash forward and I was in hospital with everyone around me trying to make plans for my future. Where I would go. What I would do. I felt like a child who was being controlled by these ‘adults’, yet I was an adult myself. I was kept in the hospital almost like a prisoner but I stayed true to what I wanted to do.
The hospital were amazing in the fact that they fixed my arm. They were great in their care of me and I completely understand and did understand that they had my wellbeing as their top priority. I did not, however, let them waiver my viewpoint and I knew where I was going and to whom.
My husband broke my arm. I know it may be incomprehensible to anyone reading to understand my reasoning for wanting to return to him but then as I have been saying, that is someone else’s issue not mine.
I cannot even describe for myself why I needed so badly to return but as I lay recovering in my hospital bed, I felt physical pain at being away from my husband and step children and my every being and core wanted to return. I stayed true to what I wanted and did not let anyone sway me in another direction.
And it turns out my gut was the best thing to listen to because the person who had wanted to ‘help’ me and take me, turned out to be a very shady character and I would have been completely alone with no one I knew in a strange place. But even without that issue, the biggest reason that I know beyond doubt made my decision the right one was that within one week of returning home; I became pregnant with my precious daughter.
She was my everything and it was her that led to me leaving my husband and ending a very bad relationship. She gave me that freedom that I had never been able to attain for myself and beyond that when she was in my arms, my life was finally at peace. She was the part of me that was completeness.
I never believed in such things as signs and things happening for a reason but in the core of my being, I believe that I was meant to return to my husband as she was on her way to me.
So my advice to everyone, listen to your gut, it is usually right.
And to everyone else, let someone do what they need to do without judgement, they know themselves what is best for them; their gut won’t abandon them.